A Tale of Christmas Shopping
by vivitoru
Summary: Crackfic. Once upon a time in a far away galaxy on a far away planet, a man braves all the dangers to get his beloved one a Christmas gift worthy of her. This is the story.


A/N: Hope you'll all enjoy this long overdue christmas fic!

_Beta-ed by steshin._

* * *

Here it was, looming ominously above the four of them, a place every man, except one with an afro, feared even more than a horde of Vajras during mating season (aka upon hearing the songstress of hope sing her song of doom, the frightening "Aimo")

Alto suddenly felt weak in the knees. Why was he here again of all places in the colony?

No man sane in their mind would come here. Maybe he had already lost it after all. It wasn't that surprising considering he once saw a man squished into gooey juice before his very eyes, right from the start of the series that he was supposed to be the main character of.  
Being chased by a girl who suffered from dissociative amnesia who looked like she was 12 when she was actually 16 thus making her only one year younger than him, didn't help either.  
Heck, he even saw his best friend being gutted right before him while trying to protect a girl who could turn from a little child into a smoking hot giantess with the bounciest pair of--

He stopped his trail of thoughts before committing the irreparable. As a Christmas fiction, this one needed to retain its T rating. Besides he already had his hands full with a certain pink-haired tsundere pop diva, added to the fact that his late friend, Michel, wouldn't be pleased with him for having such thoughts on his Meltran's attributes.

With all that laid out, the former kabuki-hime turned pilot who was waging war against the ruthless alien race in his shining VF-25, currently the top fighter in their ranks and ten times more classy than the ugly VF-27 his so-called rival was piloting (the cheating bastard known as Brera Sterne who wasn't even human anymore which explained his over the top performances), tried to refocus once more.

...

What was he saying again?

Did he mention his VF-25 variant was the coolest one?

What was with this lengthy introduction which didn't make any sense?

Alto squeezed his eyes shut with both hands on his temples, testimony of the hard thinking that was going on in his pretty head. Scratch that, he wasn't pretty, he was handsome.

Christmas… VF-25…? Yes! He finally remembered why he was in this terrifying location known as the mall at the 24th of December during the last Christmas bargain sales.

"Hoho! Nervous, Alto-hime?"

His lack of response earned him a jab from the man standing next to him.

"Why are you even here Michel? Aren't you supposed to be-?"

"Ha! Did you forget? It's Christmas time! We're here to counter the emoness outbreak threatening to take over our fandom since we still have no news about a possible continuation nor do we have news on the upcoming movie."

"Too bad for you, you're the only one who got killed among the main cast."

Upon hearing this, the sniper resurrected from the dead, picked up a rope conveniently lying next to him and tried to hang his poor self on the very spot. Fortunately for us, the little Meltran known as Klan, the genetic deficient Pixie leader, managed to calm the blonde man who was shouting something about heartless himes not giving a damn about his untimely demise until the very last episode, leaving him in despair. It was too soon in the story for a re-enactment of his dramatic death.

Not that he cared anyway, being the heartless hime he was. Alto had a more important matter at hand right now.

"Geez we just arrived and he's already going crazy on us."

And then it dawned on him. He wasn't here to buy any VF-25 plastic models. If he was here with the pop diva sighing upon seeing the ruckus Michel was causing, it was to buy her a present worthy of her awesomeness. Sheryl Nome deserved the greatest Christmas gift ever. Be it the most expensive diamond ring or the whole collection of plastic models modeled after the most gorgeous variable fighters.

Alto inwardly prayed for the cheapest solution.

* * *

They had been touring around the mall for several hours now, the girls happily chatting among themselves, occasionally stopping to check the windows. So far they had only entered two shops.

Alto checked his cell phone and cursed at what he saw, they were running out of time.

"Any ideas, Alto?"

The former performer looked back at his friend readjusting his glasses. Oddly enough he didn't use the infamous nickname he gave him but since pursuing further descriptions unrelated to the storyline was getting tedious, he decided to ignore it.

"Well I just noted two potential gifts for now, but we're running late."

"Then let's settle for one of them. What's the first one?"

Alto reluctantly pointed to a shop no man could enter without being frowned upon by the ladies.

"Wow I never thought you had it in you, hime!"

He cringed upon hearing Michel whistle. It wasn't like he was fond of the whole idea of going back into this lingerie shop all by himself but he was doing this for Sheryl. Surely he could bear this amount of shame in the name of love. Now that he had gone so far in his quest of fetching the ultimate gift, it would be a waste to give up.

"Don't worry, I have a plan."

"Really?"

Frightening. There was no other way to describe how Michel looked with this glint across his glasses and the smirk plastered on his face as he said that. Alto knew he didn't want anything to do with this plan of his, but still…

* * *

It didn't take more than five minutes and light make-up to completely transform the feminine man into a gorgeous woman, much to the said man's dismay.

"It's not as good as Bobby-san's work but it should do the trick."

Alto scowled as he looked back at his reflection displayed in a hand-held mirror he was always carrying for whatever manly reason he had.

"Give me that!"

Snatching the lipstick his friend was holding, Alto proceeded to rearrange his make-up, increasing even further his appeal to the male crowd.

Perfect.

"Now that should do it."

Before entering the lion's den, he reached for his cell phone and dialed a number a certain _she_ had painstakingly made sure he would know by heart.

"_Alto? Where are you?_"

"Sheryl… One cannot fly alone, he mustn't fly… I understand that now so…"

"_I already told you to stop with those stupid flying analo-_"

Unfortunately the highly focused pilot wasn't listening anymore and kept on reciting the lines he had rehearsed so many times.

"I'll survive this battle and I will definitely come back. That's all I had to say."

"_Wait Alto, what's going-_"

He hung up the phone fully knowing the consequence of such an act. However he also knew bearing the songstress' wrath would be worth it once he would see her eyes lit up upon seeing his present...at least he hoped it would go that way anyway.

The fearless man now-turned-into-a-woman-for-the-time-being stepped into what could possibly become his soon to be resting place.

* * *

From what he could hear going on inside, it only took a whopping 30 seconds before Alto caused an uproar.

Michel knew it was all for the sake of lengthening the already too long going stupid fic but he had to say he was still impressed by his so-called best friend. It was a shame though that he didn't get the chance to snap some pictures of the gorgeous hime for posterity, not that he swung that way, with all due respect to the numerous yaoi fangirls around the galaxy (and God knows there was a lot of them).  
Anyway, being the cool guy he was meant that he was always at the ready, as proven by the clueless Luca standing next to him who had magically popped out of nowhere.

* * *

Never before did Alto encounter such rabid fangirls, he never encountered any during the course of 25 episodes for that matter. He had been assaulted right on the spot as soon as he passed the door. From what he understood amidst all the yelling, groping, and whatever else occurred during the longest seconds in his life, they had no particular reasons to go after him except for the fact it was Christmas and there was no way to let him acquire Sheryl's gift that easily.

* * *

A princess in a shredded dress bolted through the window in an attempt to escape

"Now Luca! Don't let any of them escape!"

They couldn't afford to let their foes contact their peers for fear of having to deal with upgraded ones with no weakness. They were worse than the Vajras.

The little boy complied with the bespectacled man and went in front of the entrance, a feeling of excitement coursing through his body. Shouldn't he fear for his life instead? No. The boy always had weird tastes and thoughts. He clearly enjoyed the feeling of those feminine assets pressed against him as they tried to overcome the blockade set by the shouta and pursue the fleeing hime. Clearly they were not in the same league as Nanase's – no one's were – but still… And those hands brutalizing him… Luca had found his heaven on earth, his promised land, his gabonzas land.

* * *

Luckily for Michel, Alto had never been a confirmed athlete. He managed to catch the heavily panting hime fairly quickly and risked a glance back to the shop.

"We lost Luca!"

It was his cue.

"LUCA!"

He had to go rescue his useless comrade even if it meant going against… On second thought they had to get going before the otherwise useless meat shield ceased to function. Clearly, mere Vajras those were not.

Alto's knee buckled under his weight. He damned his lack of manly strength.

"Come on hime! Do what you do best!"

The princess nodded and took a sheet of paper he had hidden who knew where and when, earning a smack on the head for his idiocy.

"Not that! Running away!"

"I'm not running away!"

Michel sighed. Was he the only one who could be of any use in the group? It sure seemed so. Well then it was time for him to take the matter in his own hands. One shot, one kill--that was his motto, Vajras (it didn't work) and women alike.

Scanning through the group of crazy females, the half-Zolan breed spotted what appeared to be the leader of the pack and got in touch with his womanizer self.

The sniper marched towards his target, exuding as much confidence as it was humanely possible. Maybe it has to do with his mixed heritage. It wasn't long before he managed to make eye contact with his fortunate victim and from this moment he knew he had already won even if it was only their gaze meeting for a fleeting moment. No one could resist Michel Blanc's charming smile in this colony. Yes he already got turned down twice in the series. However there was a logical explanation to these two rebuttals: those Galaxy women just weren't delicate enough notice how appealing he was compared to the useless hime hidden in a nearby bush while he was risking his life to save his sorry ass.

"Excuse me, mi-"

The target turned around and motioned to her companions to resume their search, ignoring the blonde in the process. It wasn't enough to discourage the handsome Michel Blanc though; he was just too cool for that to happen (and he had also been through worse, people tended to forget that upon seeing his dazzling smile…).

Michel took his phone out and after he had made sure his killer smile was perfectly in place, he stepped back in front of the unnamed woman.

"Would you like to exchange ph-"

The enemy didn't leave him the chance to finish his phrase as she grabbed his cell and threw it in the darkening sky with unimaginable strength.

"Get out of my way, Megane!"

What the hell just happened? To say Michel was shocked was an understatement as he remained still on his spot. He could hear the woman complaining about lame old-fashioned playboys wannabes who just had to act that way to cover up for the fact they probably never got laid in their sorry lives. Once she was out of ear-reach the sniper fell to his knees.

"Michel?"

He could live with getting turned down by the galactic fairy in favor of his effeminate friend.

He could live with getting turned down by the most evil manager in the music industry.

He could live with being the only one to get killed among the Skull members – on second thought this one didn't make even make any sense…

However, to get turned down by an unnamed character…

He had just reached a new low.

"Michel!"

"SHUT UP!"

Passers-by turned towards the blonde who just shouted at a nearby bush. To their surprise; a woman with long flowing silky hair wearing rags jumped out of it, a smirk plastered on her gorgeous face. Even more surprising was the fact that this heavenly creature had a manly voice which was in total contrast with her looks.

"Michel… Don't tell me you're upset because you were turned down?"

"You bastard!"

There were two ways to set off Michel Blanc. The first one was to insult his sniping sense which he inherited from his beloved sister. The second one was to make fun of his flirting skills. Alto learned both at his own expense.

* * *

"Men… Never here when you need them!"

The irritated songstress put her bags down before sitting on a bench, followed by an equally charged Meltran.

"Why do they think we brought them here in the first place?"

Klan sighed as she heard that line for the umpteenth time of the day.

"No use complaining about that any longer."

Sheryl couldn't believe what she just heard. Their respective boyfriends just ditched them on Christmas Eve to do God-knows-what and she wanted her to keep her calm?

"How can you say that after what they did? They might be hitting on random girls at this very moment!"

Klan stiffened upon hearing this. She couldn't even begin to picture Alto hitting on Sheryl, let alone random girls. It was a wonder how he managed to hook-up with whom was certainly the most sought-after partner in the whole galaxy.

On the other hand, she had no problem imagining her childhood friend doing just what Sheryl suggested…

Reaching for her phone, the loli Meltran dialed a number she knew well and prayed for the best.

* * *

In another section of the gigantic mall sat a little girl who looked like she was 13 at most. The poor child, currently nursing her forehead, picked up the offending item which had dropped from nowhere that nearly killed her, to the dismay of all child-lovers around the galaxy.

She didn't have the time to figure out what it was before it went off. The little girl gawked at what appeared to be a cell phone as it was her first time seeing such an oddly shaped one. She fumbled with the prehistoric device to answer the call. Since squeezing it didn't work, she settled for pushing the flashing red button.

"_Michel! Where the hell are you?_"

The girl sighed in relief upon hearing the high pitched voice. That person seemed to be in a foul mood but there was no reason for them to have difficulties to communicate since they were both lolis. Gathering her courage, she finally answered.

"Hello?"

* * *

Klan nearly dropped the phone when she heard that girly voice answering her. She hastily checked that she had dialed the right number before turning her attention back to the voice.

It was high pitched just like hers but she was sure it wasn't just an echo.

"Who are you and what are you doing with Michel's phone?"

* * *

The girl panicked. How should she present herself? She contemplated calling a certain Alto-kun to get his advice on the question. However since it would have taken way too much time she settled for her signature move which was a sure hit among the child-lovers crowd and the children.

"Ano… Ranka Lee desu! ..._Kira!_"

Hearing no response coming, the green-haired girl went on.

* * *

Klan had already dropped her cell though, utter disbelief written all over her child features. Why had Ranka Lee been the one to answer Michel's cell?

The Meltran had always thought her miclone form was the problem hence why her womanizer of a childhood friend never actively went after her and here he was letting one of the loliest girl she knew answer his cell.

"_Mi-she-ruuuu……_"

To Sheryl's surprise, Klan got to her feet and stormed off, leaving all her belongings behind.

She didn't know who answered her call but judging from her friend's reaction it was probably not Alto.

"Klan! Wait! It must be a misunderstanding! I'm sure Michel had a good reason to-"

"Ranka… Ranka Lee! She's the one who answered! Dam that womanizer!"

Ranka? What was she doing with the blonde's cell?

Anyway the songstress couldn't just let her Meltran friend leave like this--there was no way she'd be able to handle all these bags by herself.

"No need to worry then! There's no way a guy like him would go after a flat-chested loli like her!"

Her smile instantly dropped when she saw Klan's face go beet red and tears welling up in her eyes.

"He'll never go after a flat-chested loli you said…?"

It was then that Sheryl realized what she had just said.

"**_What do you think I am???!!!_**"

She had to admit that it was a major screw-up, especially for the galactic fairy. However, she still had a back-up plan.

She was Sheryl, Sheryl Nome after all.

"Let me call Alto! And then you'll see it was just a misunderstanding on your part."

Taking her own microcellphone out, the diva composed her beloved princess' number but not before flashing a wink at her little friend. They'd still have to talk later though to find a way for the Meltran to get rid of her insecurity. She couldn't go on like this, letting her imagination run wild at the slightest swerve from the blonde sniper.

"_S-Sheryl?_"

The songstress was brought back to earth by her boyfriend's panting voice.

"Alto! I just called to ask-"

Sheryl stopped mid-sentence. What was with the panting voice? What was going on over there?

"Alto? Are you ok? You seem-"

Michel's voice in the background interrupted her this time around.

"_We're not finished yet, hime!_"

At least the blonde whereabouts was known now, he was still with Alto. Then again there was the possibility that Ranka was with the two as well... Why would Alto sound so tired was still a mystery though.

"_Sorry but I have to go… Later._"

Sheryl stared at her cell, her mind trying to register what had just transpired. She refused to believe it but she couldn't help having unhealthy thoughts about what those two, maybe three, were currently doing.

Witnessing the pink-haired woman reaction was enough for Klan to run off in search of the unfaithful pilots.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


End file.
